I've been out of University for a few years now, and have attempted to make the most of my position in life, but I can't help but wonder if there's something more, or if this is it. I did what every high school student is told they must do to be successful; however, what they don't tell you is how you can be happy and successful. I know that work isn't supposed to be all fun and games, but I do believe it needs to be a place that allows for you to be yourself and continuously learn, whilest still being a productive member of the workforce.
As most people in my social circle know, I left my job in Toronto because I felt like it was sucking my life and my soul right out of me. After experiencing the process of becoming a soulless drone in the "centre" of the Canadian universe, I know I never want to end up like that ever again.
Currently, I don't feel like I'm making a difference in the world and it bothers me that my talents are seemingly going to waste while I continue to plug away at my job. My time working at my current job has been fun, but I know that there's something bigger that's been planned for me.
Now, I've got an opportunity to progress in a direction I should've gone a few years ago, but I couldn't see the forest for all the trees. While I know I can't let this opportunity pass me by, I have to quickly figure out the mechanics of the entire situation or just jump right in and pray to every known God that it'll all work out in the end.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
An introspective look at how the world can make you feel messed up beyond repair
I’m going to be completely open and honest in this post, and if it comes across as too out-there or crazy, so be it. This is how I’m feeling and I just need to get it out and let go of it completely, since it’s not healthy to keep it all bottled up. It’s been brought about by fear of failure and uncertainty about where I really belong in my very awkward stage of quasi-adultness.
I’ve had these problems haunting me for a while. The problem is that I’ve never felt quite good enough or that I didn’t quite fit in. In fact, I feel awkward beyond belief sometimes. Some would say it’s an esteem issue, and maybe they’re right, but I think it also stems from wanting to be perfect and ultimately being afraid to make mistakes and learn from them.
I remember always striving to be the top achiever in every single class, to find myself being a good enough student, but never quite good enough to be the best in class. In terms of fitting in, I felt that at one job, I could be likened to the country mouse – some small town girl in the big city who’s nice enough, but didn’t really have what it took to fit into the grand scheme of things. This is all very odd, seeing as I’ve lived my entire life in a relatively large city and I got on well with everyone, but the sense of being an outsider was still there.
When it comes to criticism, it’s never been an easy thing for me to handle. It’s kind of like my own personal kryptonite. It makes me want to curl up in a ball on the ground with my hands on my ears saying “la la la la la! I’m not listening....” When I do actually achieve something, I find it very difficult to take praise for it, perhaps because I feel I could’ve done it differently/faster/better. I’m really my own worst enemy in terms of criticism.
I’ve also learned that I have a very hard time with conflict, which is kind of horrible, since life can be full of conflict. It causes me extreme anxiety – the kind where you can feel your veins pulsate with each heart beat, your hands get cold like ice and shake, your stomach does turns and flips and you feel like you could pass out at any moment. Sometimes, my brain even computes criticism as a kind of conflict – a personal attack on me, and this leaves me in a state of internal retreat, where I feel completely incapable of standing up for myself and joining in the conversation like a real adult would. I just absorb what’s being said, and don’t even bother explaining myself anymore because I’ve never been successful at putting together coherent arguments, and it just makes me more flustered and upset. At least if I stay silent, I don’t regret saying anything, instead I just come up with things I should’ve said about an hour after the discussion takes place because I dwell on the things I’ve internalized.
It’s kind of amazing how being introspective and writing all this down makes me feel better, more human, and less like I’ve failed miserably. It also makes me wonder if I’ll ever really feel like an adult, or whether life is just one big game of dress up where we all play at being adults.
I’ve had these problems haunting me for a while. The problem is that I’ve never felt quite good enough or that I didn’t quite fit in. In fact, I feel awkward beyond belief sometimes. Some would say it’s an esteem issue, and maybe they’re right, but I think it also stems from wanting to be perfect and ultimately being afraid to make mistakes and learn from them.
I remember always striving to be the top achiever in every single class, to find myself being a good enough student, but never quite good enough to be the best in class. In terms of fitting in, I felt that at one job, I could be likened to the country mouse – some small town girl in the big city who’s nice enough, but didn’t really have what it took to fit into the grand scheme of things. This is all very odd, seeing as I’ve lived my entire life in a relatively large city and I got on well with everyone, but the sense of being an outsider was still there.
When it comes to criticism, it’s never been an easy thing for me to handle. It’s kind of like my own personal kryptonite. It makes me want to curl up in a ball on the ground with my hands on my ears saying “la la la la la! I’m not listening....” When I do actually achieve something, I find it very difficult to take praise for it, perhaps because I feel I could’ve done it differently/faster/better. I’m really my own worst enemy in terms of criticism.
I’ve also learned that I have a very hard time with conflict, which is kind of horrible, since life can be full of conflict. It causes me extreme anxiety – the kind where you can feel your veins pulsate with each heart beat, your hands get cold like ice and shake, your stomach does turns and flips and you feel like you could pass out at any moment. Sometimes, my brain even computes criticism as a kind of conflict – a personal attack on me, and this leaves me in a state of internal retreat, where I feel completely incapable of standing up for myself and joining in the conversation like a real adult would. I just absorb what’s being said, and don’t even bother explaining myself anymore because I’ve never been successful at putting together coherent arguments, and it just makes me more flustered and upset. At least if I stay silent, I don’t regret saying anything, instead I just come up with things I should’ve said about an hour after the discussion takes place because I dwell on the things I’ve internalized.
It’s kind of amazing how being introspective and writing all this down makes me feel better, more human, and less like I’ve failed miserably. It also makes me wonder if I’ll ever really feel like an adult, or whether life is just one big game of dress up where we all play at being adults.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Cooking!!
One of my new-found joys of living in my own place is the ability to cook whatever I feel like cooking. My newest creation (last night's dinner) was just too yummy to keep to myself. I made a vegetarian version due to lack of meat and not wanting to spend extra money, but it'd be completely awesome with chicken as well. My vegetarian version cost just $6.12 at the local grocer, and made about 4 servings. No, I don't have a title for it, I'm just going to call it awesome.
Ingredients
For Stir Fry/Saute
Cooking Oil
1 diced cooking onion
2 large carrots, peeled and cut into medallions
1 green Bell Pepper, cut into strips
1 yellow Bell Pepper, cut into strips
15 mushrooms, cut
4 Tbsp peanut butter
1 Tbsp soy sauce
1 clove minced garlic
Juice of 1/2 a lemon
1 tsp granulated sugar
red pepper flakes (to taste)
Teryiaki Tofu
1 package firm tofu
2 Tbsp teryiaki sauce
2 Tbsp water
2 cloves minced garlic
1" piece ginger root, peeled and grated
If you are using the Teryiaki Tofu with this recipe, prepare it first, since it needs to marinate.
Instructions
Teryiaki Tofu
Place tofu between paper towels, between two plates and place a large can (like tomatoes) on top to remove excess liquid. While the tofu is being pressed, in a small bowl, mix together the teryiaki sauce, water, minced garlic and grated ginger. Cut the tofu into bite-sized cubes and marinate in the teryiaki mixture for 15 minutes - 1 hour depending on your time restraints.
Bake tofu at 350 degrees until crispy. If you want a nice dark brown crust, broil for a few minutes before taking out of the oven. Alternately, you can pan-fry the tofu pieces until crispy on all sides and then drain on paper towels.
Stir fry
Heat oil (approx. 1 Tbsp) in non-stick frying pan or wok over medium-high heat. Add in onions and carrots. Cook until onions are translucent. Add mushrooms and peppers. While this cooks, in a microwaveable bowl, put the peanut butter and soy sauce together and microwave for approx. 30 seconds or until you can easily stir the peanut butter. Mix in the minced garlic, lemon juice, granulated sugar and red pepper flakes. If the sauce is too thick, add some water until it's the consistency you desire. Pour sauce directly over the stir-fried vegetables and let cook for 1-2 more minutes.
Serve over rice with the tofu and enjoy.
Ingredients
For Stir Fry/Saute
Cooking Oil
1 diced cooking onion
2 large carrots, peeled and cut into medallions
1 green Bell Pepper, cut into strips
1 yellow Bell Pepper, cut into strips
15 mushrooms, cut
4 Tbsp peanut butter
1 Tbsp soy sauce
1 clove minced garlic
Juice of 1/2 a lemon
1 tsp granulated sugar
red pepper flakes (to taste)
Teryiaki Tofu
1 package firm tofu
2 Tbsp teryiaki sauce
2 Tbsp water
2 cloves minced garlic
1" piece ginger root, peeled and grated
If you are using the Teryiaki Tofu with this recipe, prepare it first, since it needs to marinate.
Instructions
Teryiaki Tofu
Place tofu between paper towels, between two plates and place a large can (like tomatoes) on top to remove excess liquid. While the tofu is being pressed, in a small bowl, mix together the teryiaki sauce, water, minced garlic and grated ginger. Cut the tofu into bite-sized cubes and marinate in the teryiaki mixture for 15 minutes - 1 hour depending on your time restraints.
Bake tofu at 350 degrees until crispy. If you want a nice dark brown crust, broil for a few minutes before taking out of the oven. Alternately, you can pan-fry the tofu pieces until crispy on all sides and then drain on paper towels.
Stir fry
Heat oil (approx. 1 Tbsp) in non-stick frying pan or wok over medium-high heat. Add in onions and carrots. Cook until onions are translucent. Add mushrooms and peppers. While this cooks, in a microwaveable bowl, put the peanut butter and soy sauce together and microwave for approx. 30 seconds or until you can easily stir the peanut butter. Mix in the minced garlic, lemon juice, granulated sugar and red pepper flakes. If the sauce is too thick, add some water until it's the consistency you desire. Pour sauce directly over the stir-fried vegetables and let cook for 1-2 more minutes.
Serve over rice with the tofu and enjoy.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Montreal vs. Hamilton
After returning from my trip to Quebec, I've decided that either the city planning, transit systems and bohemianesque way of life need to be transplanted in Hamilton, or I'm just going to have to pack up and move to Montreal (when my lease expires next year).
First off, Hamilton could take a few pointers from Montreal's transit system. I'll be completely honest here, I fell in love with the Metro. Everything is accessible via this intelligently planned rapid transit system, and even the online maps are interactive and clickable, giving information about each station and some of the nearby attractions. Each stop is even shown on Google Maps, which made it even easier to figure out how to get where my friends and I wanted to go. This was definitely an improvement over the horrible HSR site and trip planner that I'm so used to, and the insanely complicated and non-intuitive interface of the TTC site.
On top of the ability to easily pre-plan our travels on the Metro, I also must give a huge two thumbs up to the people who decided that three day tourist passes should exist for only $17, which is a definite steal when compared to the very restrictive day passes you can purchase for use on the TTC. Rather than spend $2.75 each time we got on the Metro, all three of us bought these tourist passes and could use them for unlimited travel on all busses and the Metro in Montreal. Although we only used the passes for 2 days, by the time we'd finished our sightseeing ventures on Saturday and Sunday, the passes had saved each of us close to $5 in fares.
Another thing that I really believe needs to be adopted here are the small parcs that are maintained in various places around the city. It'd be a definite improvement over the vacant lots and decrepid abandoned buildings that line the streets of Hamilton.
As for the bohemianesque way of life I speak of, it just seemed to me that while every one we met in Montreal had a little niche in their respective neighbourhoods, the general feel of the city was one of acceptance, art, culture and civic pride. I feel the same about Locke Street here in Hamilton, but it was just so incredible that the entire city seemed to be on the same page.
First off, Hamilton could take a few pointers from Montreal's transit system. I'll be completely honest here, I fell in love with the Metro. Everything is accessible via this intelligently planned rapid transit system, and even the online maps are interactive and clickable, giving information about each station and some of the nearby attractions. Each stop is even shown on Google Maps, which made it even easier to figure out how to get where my friends and I wanted to go. This was definitely an improvement over the horrible HSR site and trip planner that I'm so used to, and the insanely complicated and non-intuitive interface of the TTC site.
On top of the ability to easily pre-plan our travels on the Metro, I also must give a huge two thumbs up to the people who decided that three day tourist passes should exist for only $17, which is a definite steal when compared to the very restrictive day passes you can purchase for use on the TTC. Rather than spend $2.75 each time we got on the Metro, all three of us bought these tourist passes and could use them for unlimited travel on all busses and the Metro in Montreal. Although we only used the passes for 2 days, by the time we'd finished our sightseeing ventures on Saturday and Sunday, the passes had saved each of us close to $5 in fares.
Another thing that I really believe needs to be adopted here are the small parcs that are maintained in various places around the city. It'd be a definite improvement over the vacant lots and decrepid abandoned buildings that line the streets of Hamilton.
As for the bohemianesque way of life I speak of, it just seemed to me that while every one we met in Montreal had a little niche in their respective neighbourhoods, the general feel of the city was one of acceptance, art, culture and civic pride. I feel the same about Locke Street here in Hamilton, but it was just so incredible that the entire city seemed to be on the same page.
Musical Nerdiness
I've owned my ipod for over a year now, and haven't downloaded music from itunes or any other sites, just because I own so many CDs I really, really love. That said, I came to a realisation last Thursday night as I was prepping my ipod playlist for my upcoming road trip to Montreal... I really wanted "Informer" by Snow on my playlist. Did I own it already? That's a loud, resounding NO! In all my glorious nerdiness, I proudly logged onto itunes and clicked on my selection. Yes, that's right, my first (and probably only) itunes purchase was a one-hit wonder from the 90s. On second thought, I wonder if they have anything by Milli Vanilli...
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Inconsiderate Laundering...
I realise that I'm not one to talk with my hoardes of clothing, but it really bothers me when I go to do laundry and one person has taken it upon themselves to fill all four of the available washing machines in the laundry room. Yes, the washers are fairly tiny, but really, 4 machines at the same time?!? That's $8 for washing and at least another $8 for drying, because I'm sure that they're not going to hang dry four loads of laundry in their apartment..
All I wanted to do was a load of laundry, pack my luggage and eat my dinner. :S
All I wanted to do was a load of laundry, pack my luggage and eat my dinner. :S
Sunday, May 11, 2008
A Room of My Own
I'm now approaching the two-week mark in my apartment. Slowly things are starting to come together, although there's a few boxes still unpacked, and shelves not put up yet. There's also some stuff left up at my parents' place too. At this point; however, I need to get my shelving installed so I can continue to put stuff away where it belongs. Installing these shelves is a bit of a challenge, since some of the walls in my apartment are concrete, while others are just drywall. Eventually, with an electric drill, screwdriver and wall plugs, the storage solutions will be complete.
My apartment's now starting to look more like a home, rather than just a box in which I sleep and store stuff. This past weekend included a shopping trip to the greatest big box store of them all: IKEA! I went in with a distinct list of items that I thought would make my life easier, and along the way, with my sister's advice ended up scratching items off and substituting other things. As a result, I now have an end table, wall mounted CD/DVD shelving (which I thought was excellent, due to lack of floor space), a shelf for above my stove, knives for cooking and finally, curtains in my living room/dining room area. Upon bringing everything home, I'm thinking about a couple more of the CD/DVD shelves to make room for books on my bookshelves. Yay! This means another trip to IKEA in the near future!!!!
My apartment's now starting to look more like a home, rather than just a box in which I sleep and store stuff. This past weekend included a shopping trip to the greatest big box store of them all: IKEA! I went in with a distinct list of items that I thought would make my life easier, and along the way, with my sister's advice ended up scratching items off and substituting other things. As a result, I now have an end table, wall mounted CD/DVD shelving (which I thought was excellent, due to lack of floor space), a shelf for above my stove, knives for cooking and finally, curtains in my living room/dining room area. Upon bringing everything home, I'm thinking about a couple more of the CD/DVD shelves to make room for books on my bookshelves. Yay! This means another trip to IKEA in the near future!!!!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Why Drivers Suck!
I'm a pedestrian and bus-rider. That's how I get around, and I'm cool with that. What I don't like is when people in cars are completely inconsiderate or downright rude to pedestrians. I'm pretty good at following rules. As a young child, I learned that the walking man symbol meant it was safe to cross the road, the blinky hand meant don't start crossing, and if you're in the nearing the other end of the crosswalk, hurry your ass up and get on the sidewalk so you don't get hit. Obviously, the solid red hand was a STOP! Don't cross! I also learned the meaning of red light, green light, yellow light, just like all the other children in kindergarten. Maybe just the pedestrians hold and retain this knowledge.... because it sure seems to me like a lot of drivers need to go back to kindergarten for this rudimentary training on traffic lights.
A few weeks back, I was standing at the corner of Locke and Main, waiting for the light to change and ultimately, my turn to cross Main St. to get to my bus stop. I watched the light on Main change to red, and seconds later, the light changed, signalling I could cross. I looked to the right (for the out of towners, Main's a 1 way street), and started to cross. I'd made it to the second lane when a taxi came barrelling right through the red light and lays on his horn at me, as he almost hits me. Um, the last time I checked, running a red light was against the law, but that's alright, I'm apparently just a mere moving speedbump... no value to my life at all.
Today, it was nice and rainy. As most Hamiltonians know, the roads are filled with potholes, or better yet, the roads are all potholes... I'm walking along Main when a white truck speeds along in the curb lane, hits a pothole that's filled with cold, dirty water; thereby creating a wave of water that was about 5 feet tall. How do I know it was 5 feet tall? That's because I got drenched from just about the top of my head, right down my left side, and I'm about 5'2". Thanks a lot jackass! I got to go shopping looking like I peed myself, and I was super cold for the better part of the afternoon since the water was pretty damn cold it's not quite balmy weather yet. Awesome!
Another one of my pet peeves is when cars block the intersection or part of the sidewalk as they're pulling out of a parking lot or driveway, making it impossible for a pedestrian to safely cross the road or continue on the sidewalk. This happens, at some point, every single day.
I also love when you're already in the middle of legally crossing the road, and a driver becomes impatient and decides to honk their horn, yell obscinities or ultimately, try to cut in front of you, and narrowly miss mowing you over in the process.
Last time I checked, the pedestrian; not the car, has the right of way.
A few weeks back, I was standing at the corner of Locke and Main, waiting for the light to change and ultimately, my turn to cross Main St. to get to my bus stop. I watched the light on Main change to red, and seconds later, the light changed, signalling I could cross. I looked to the right (for the out of towners, Main's a 1 way street), and started to cross. I'd made it to the second lane when a taxi came barrelling right through the red light and lays on his horn at me, as he almost hits me. Um, the last time I checked, running a red light was against the law, but that's alright, I'm apparently just a mere moving speedbump... no value to my life at all.
Today, it was nice and rainy. As most Hamiltonians know, the roads are filled with potholes, or better yet, the roads are all potholes... I'm walking along Main when a white truck speeds along in the curb lane, hits a pothole that's filled with cold, dirty water; thereby creating a wave of water that was about 5 feet tall. How do I know it was 5 feet tall? That's because I got drenched from just about the top of my head, right down my left side, and I'm about 5'2". Thanks a lot jackass! I got to go shopping looking like I peed myself, and I was super cold for the better part of the afternoon since the water was pretty damn cold it's not quite balmy weather yet. Awesome!
Another one of my pet peeves is when cars block the intersection or part of the sidewalk as they're pulling out of a parking lot or driveway, making it impossible for a pedestrian to safely cross the road or continue on the sidewalk. This happens, at some point, every single day.
I also love when you're already in the middle of legally crossing the road, and a driver becomes impatient and decides to honk their horn, yell obscinities or ultimately, try to cut in front of you, and narrowly miss mowing you over in the process.
Last time I checked, the pedestrian; not the car, has the right of way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)