An introspective look at how the world can make you feel messed up beyond repair

I’m going to be completely open and honest in this post, and if it comes across as too out-there or crazy, so be it. This is how I’m feeling and I just need to get it out and let go of it completely, since it’s not healthy to keep it all bottled up. It’s been brought about by fear of failure and uncertainty about where I really belong in my very awkward stage of quasi-adultness.

I’ve had these problems haunting me for a while. The problem is that I’ve never felt quite good enough or that I didn’t quite fit in. In fact, I feel awkward beyond belief sometimes. Some would say it’s an esteem issue, and maybe they’re right, but I think it also stems from wanting to be perfect and ultimately being afraid to make mistakes and learn from them.

I remember always striving to be the top achiever in every single class, to find myself being a good enough student, but never quite good enough to be the best in class. In terms of fitting in, I felt that at one job, I could be likened to the country mouse – some small town girl in the big city who’s nice enough, but didn’t really have what it took to fit into the grand scheme of things. This is all very odd, seeing as I’ve lived my entire life in a relatively large city and I got on well with everyone, but the sense of being an outsider was still there.

When it comes to criticism, it’s never been an easy thing for me to handle. It’s kind of like my own personal kryptonite. It makes me want to curl up in a ball on the ground with my hands on my ears saying “la la la la la! I’m not listening....” When I do actually achieve something, I find it very difficult to take praise for it, perhaps because I feel I could’ve done it differently/faster/better. I’m really my own worst enemy in terms of criticism.

I’ve also learned that I have a very hard time with conflict, which is kind of horrible, since life can be full of conflict. It causes me extreme anxiety – the kind where you can feel your veins pulsate with each heart beat, your hands get cold like ice and shake, your stomach does turns and flips and you feel like you could pass out at any moment. Sometimes, my brain even computes criticism as a kind of conflict – a personal attack on me, and this leaves me in a state of internal retreat, where I feel completely incapable of standing up for myself and joining in the conversation like a real adult would. I just absorb what’s being said, and don’t even bother explaining myself anymore because I’ve never been successful at putting together coherent arguments, and it just makes me more flustered and upset. At least if I stay silent, I don’t regret saying anything, instead I just come up with things I should’ve said about an hour after the discussion takes place because I dwell on the things I’ve internalized.

It’s kind of amazing how being introspective and writing all this down makes me feel better, more human, and less like I’ve failed miserably. It also makes me wonder if I’ll ever really feel like an adult, or whether life is just one big game of dress up where we all play at being adults.

Cooking!!

One of my new-found joys of living in my own place is the ability to cook whatever I feel like cooking. My newest creation (last night's dinner) was just too yummy to keep to myself. I made a vegetarian version due to lack of meat and not wanting to spend extra money, but it'd be completely awesome with chicken as well. My vegetarian version cost just $6.12 at the local grocer, and made about 4 servings. No, I don't have a title for it, I'm just going to call it awesome.

Ingredients

For Stir Fry/Saute
Cooking Oil
1 diced cooking onion
2 large carrots, peeled and cut into medallions
1 green Bell Pepper, cut into strips
1 yellow Bell Pepper, cut into strips
15 mushrooms, cut
4 Tbsp peanut butter
1 Tbsp soy sauce
1 clove minced garlic
Juice of 1/2 a lemon
1 tsp granulated sugar
red pepper flakes (to taste)

Teryiaki Tofu
1 package firm tofu
2 Tbsp teryiaki sauce
2 Tbsp water
2 cloves minced garlic
1" piece ginger root, peeled and grated

If you are using the Teryiaki Tofu with this recipe, prepare it first, since it needs to marinate.

Instructions
Teryiaki Tofu
Place tofu between paper towels, between two plates and place a large can (like tomatoes) on top to remove excess liquid. While the tofu is being pressed, in a small bowl, mix together the teryiaki sauce, water, minced garlic and grated ginger. Cut the tofu into bite-sized cubes and marinate in the teryiaki mixture for 15 minutes - 1 hour depending on your time restraints.
Bake tofu at 350 degrees until crispy. If you want a nice dark brown crust, broil for a few minutes before taking out of the oven. Alternately, you can pan-fry the tofu pieces until crispy on all sides and then drain on paper towels.

Stir fry
Heat oil (approx. 1 Tbsp) in non-stick frying pan or wok over medium-high heat. Add in onions and carrots. Cook until onions are translucent. Add mushrooms and peppers. While this cooks, in a microwaveable bowl, put the peanut butter and soy sauce together and microwave for approx. 30 seconds or until you can easily stir the peanut butter. Mix in the minced garlic, lemon juice, granulated sugar and red pepper flakes. If the sauce is too thick, add some water until it's the consistency you desire. Pour sauce directly over the stir-fried vegetables and let cook for 1-2 more minutes.

Serve over rice with the tofu and enjoy.