Buyer's Regret?!?

Last weekend, I took my mom and Brandy to see the Phantom. I purchased the tickets back in December, and gave them as Christmas gifts. Really, it was kind of a selfish gift in a way, since I was buying a ticket for myself, no matter what. Needless to say, everyone enjoyed the performance.

However, during the performance, I found myself going off on a tangent of thought.... not really something I should've been doing during an artistic performance, but hey, it happens. I could see the orchestra clearly, from my seat, and focussed in on the flautists. At that moment, sheer and utter disappointment flooded over me - I so wanted to be down there, in the pit, playing my heart out for all to hear. I decided to let it go, and enjoy the performance, but that little voice has creeped back into my head.

It got me thinking about where I am now and what I'm doing, and it's a far cry from where I thought I'd be. I always thought that some day I'd have an artistic career, preferably in music. Instead, here I am, behind a desk all day long, processing payroll, and doing all the mundane tasks that HR Assistants get stuck doing, and it's sucking the life and creativity right out of me.

Even school didn't work out the way I thought it would. I graduated with an English degree, and then went on for my HRM Certificate. I always thought I'd graduate with a Music degree and then go on to be a music teacher, a performer, or a conductor... ah, such lofty aspirations I once had.

So I'm experiencing a sort of buyer's regret over how things have unfolded thus far. Arrrrgh! How expensive this regret is, too... Just when I thought I had it all figured out, I end up re-analyzing my situation and realizing it's not really where I want to be.

Quasi-Celebrities and Nudity!

Okay, that title got your attention, right?? I don't have a whole lot to report today, other than the following.

My brush with Quasi-Celebrity Fame: walking past Mike Bullard in the Yonge Eglinton Centre. Whoo whee, I didn't think I could contain my excitement any longer.

Note to the old naked guy in the window at the Double Tree Hotel... Yes, when the blinds are open, people can see you... even when it's starting to get dark out. The general population has no desire to see your wrinkly old bum or meat & two veg. It's just not right. However, I had to chuckle when I saw this guy, since Wes told me he saw a naked dude in the window across from his work, and had "gouged" his eyes out in response. An over-reaction, maybe, but funny all the same. I wonder if he used a spork... I compared notes with Wes, 4 windows over, and 4 down, it was the same guy!

Alright, that's all I've got. Really, how could I top a Quasi-Celeb & Nudity with anything else?

In My Absence...

I've been absent from my blog for quite some time, basically because I spend too much time in transit between home & work, and by the time I get home, I want to just crash. Also, I find that on weekends, if I'm not out with my friends, my family knows how to keep me quite busy as well.

Hell, I hadn't even updated when I got my co-op job back in September. Speaking of which, some details...

I was hired as the HR Assistant for this not for profit insurance company, owned by the church of England. How weird this must seem for everyone... me, working at an establishment owned by the church. I too, thought I would burst into flames... Surprisingly though, there's less religious tension at this job than there was at the depot. Originally, my contract was to expire on December 31 ('06), but I got an unofficial extension through until the end of March. Of course, this means my rate of pay remained unchanges, and that I would also remain ineligible for the paid benefits. The only reason why I agreed to stay is for the experience.

Even now, I doubt why I opted to stay, when I could've extracted myself cleanly from all the problems, back in December. Everything seems so unorganized, there's no communication, and the lines of authority are completely messed up beyond belief. It's pretty bad when you have to ask the GM for approval, before you can order a clock for the lunch room... At this point, even if they were to offer me a full time, salaried position, I would decline.

Thus, my job search begins again

Parachutes R' us??

Just an update on the clifhanger...

Well, I needed that parachute after all. Those rocks hurt!

The Curse of the Depot

Does the House always win? It seems as if the answer to this question is yes... The house, being the depot, of course.

So last week was fairly eventful in terms of "The Great Depot Escape." I had an interview on Tuesday, and then the same place called me back for another interview on Wednesday. I was calm, collected, and super-prepared for both the interviews, and I left with a smile on my face thinking, "yes, I think I've finally done it." Or... so I'd thought. I even wrote a brief thank you email to the last group of interviewers, as it was really great to be called back. That said, the rest of the week goes by, nothing from them... Holiday on Monday, so of course nothing then. Then, on Tuesday morning (today), I get an email back, saying that while they really liked me, and were impressed with my qualifications, something came up in their office, which might make them no longer need the position I had applied for. I also got a promise that one of them would be contacting me today, to let me know for sure.

CRAP, CRAP & MORE CRAP! My future is on the edge of a cliff yet again... and the depot is at the bottom where all the sharp rocks live -- Anyone got a parachute?

Job Hunting is Hard Work

Condemned to wallow in misery @ the Depot?

So this job/co-op job search is going nowhere... FAST! I've applied for close to 50 jobs, had one interview, and that's it. The co-op site tells you when you're rejected, and I'm finding I have a huge problem with it. Apparently NO is the hardest word I've had to deal with ever. It just seems like I'm going through the same viscious cycle yet again - School, apply for jobs, more school, apply for more jobs... I just want to get on with the rest of my life, maybe get a little apartment all to myself. I really didn't think that was too much to ask for - apparently, I'm wrong on this too. I know if I don't get a co-op during the fall term, I can postpone it, but don't want to postpone my co-op term until January... I'd rather kill myself than continue working at the Depot for that long.

Interviews, Fun?!? Not really, just a near death experience.

Wooo! Interviews are fun, and stuff like that. Transit, not so fun.

Okay, so yesterday's interview went quite well. It wasn't the most challenging interview I'd ever done, but the questions were very relevant and well thought out. I managed to refer to my portfolio for a couple of items, to back up what I was saying, but I didn't want to go through the entire thing. There just wasn't time for that, nor did the interviewers want to sit there and just be bored to death by pretentiousness. The items I did use, suprisingly, were from my graphic design section... I didn't really expect to rely on those items, but they asked for a time in which I used my creativity to solve a problem. What's more creative than creating posters as a way to increase sales/business?

Getting to the interview was pretty easy. I left at 8:45 from my house, because I wanted some time at the GO station to relax and enjoy a muffin & juice. The trip included 1 HSR bus, GO Transit to Long Branch, and then one Mississauga bus. I managed to get to the company about 50 minutes early for my interview... Mississauga transit's trip planner calculated that it'd take approximately 20 minutes to walk down Courtneypark Drive, from Dixie Rd (where the bus let me off). I don't know how slow they expect people to walk, but it was a 10 minute walk, even wearing a pair of heels.

Getting home should have been just as easy... just reverse the order of transit systems. It was, until my bus got into an accident at Dixie & Bloor. The bus had stopped (at a bus stop), let people on and off, and then, I heard a huge bang. 2 cars collided with each other behind the bus, and because of their impact, they rear ended the bus, hopped the curb, and smashed into a fence. No one on the bus was hurt... the bumper, and lights on the back of the bus had seen better days though. The bus driver has to get everyone off the bus, and he's like, "there'll be another bus" but didn't say when. The drivers of both cars were a bit banged up though, seeing as they'd both impacted the bus, as well as each other.

I made friends with the lady who sat in front of me, and told her I wasn't familiar with the area, and wondered if there was another way to get back to Long Branch GO. She told me to follow her, that she wasn't about to wait for the next Dixie Rd. bus either, that she usually gets off at Bloor anyways. She told me to follow her, and that she'd get me on the right busses to get me home sometime sooner than waiting for the next bus.

I ended up taking the Bloor bus to the Islington subway/bus station, had to pay another fare of $2.75 to use the TTC, and took a bus from there back to Long Branch. There's no direct GO trains from Long Branch to Hamilton, plus my stomach was growling and a headache was beginning... I'd only eaten the muffin, so I decided to get off at Oakville, and buy something to eat. I should have been home by 5 pm (without the accident), but instead I was just getting the train at Oakville station at that time.

In total, 4 different transit systems in one day was interesting, but not very fun.

Sick + Summer = Bummer

Sickness in the middle of Summer?

Apparently it is fully possible for me to get sick at any time, regardless of the season. So far, I've called in sick 2 days this week, and I know that no matter what, I can't afford to be off tomorrow. I have to work. No question about it. While under normal circumstances, I would love to have enjoyed my days off, I instead, have found myself sleeping all day, not eating solid foods, and having a hard time just being awake in general. Overworked? Quite possibly that's why I'm sick.

A Closet Full of Nothing

What to wear, what to wear....?!?

Alrighty, so I've finally got an interview for a co-op position. My newest conundrum is arriving at an appropriate interview attire decision. I'm undecided as to how dressy I want to go, so I have a few options...

1. Wear my simple black dress (one I wore to a prom)with my longer pin-stripe jacket. The long jacket is the only option with this, as there are slits on either side of the knee length dress. Good: it's a tried and true combination. Bad: it's the middle of summer, and I'll die of heat exahaution.
2. Wear my new black skirt with the tulle trim, a black shirt, and my white beaded jacket. Good: the skirt is totally appropriate, might not die in the heat. Bad: not sure if this look actually works.
3. Wear my strapless dress I wore to my Uni. Grad, along with the same white beaded jacket I'd worn with it. Good: I looked good in the outfit back in April '05. Bad: the dress is a floral print... quite bold actually. Doesn't scream formality.

Garrr! Sometimes being a girl sucks. At least I know which shoes I'm going to wear.

Depressed? Why yes, I am...

While I'm usually pretty good with disappointments, seeing as I've been dealt my fair share thus far in life, today's disappointments really got me down. Like usual, I put all my hopes on one particular job posting, and thought I had a really decent chance for it... or at least an interview. I'd also applied for another job at the same time, although I wasn't as attracted to the position. Today, I check the postings, and my applications and note that the less desirable job said NO to an interview. I thought, alright, good - I don't have to waste my energy with that one... I just had to wait on the other posting. Less than 10 minutes pass, and I get my answer on the job I really wanted... a big, fat NO. To make things sting even more, as luck would have it, my classmate beside me, was one of the 3 chosen ones for the interviews. I managed not to get upset at my own circumstance, and I'm truly happy that they decided to interview her - she's totally competent, and she really wants the positon too.

While I wasn't really upset earlier in the day, the more time I've had to think about it, the more upset I'm actually feeling. (I know this is derived from my irrational fear of being stuck at the Depot for all eternity.) Although I know I'm being way too hard on myself by saying this, but being shut down twice within a span of a few minutes, makes me feel as though I'm never going to be quite good enough for any other job. It also doesn't make me want to put myself out there again, and potentially get slammed with another fury of "NOs"

Perhaps a good long bath, a bit of crying, to vent my frustration is the key to getting over this mental block I've now put in place.

Dr. Phil, eat your heart out!

Move over Dr. Phil... Captain Obvious is putting you out of business... well, maybe.

I'd like to believe that part of my charm is my ability to listen, and give proper, sound advice when people ask for it. I try not to judge... honestly - it's not my decision to say what's right and what's wrong for someone else, but I will give my opinion, when asked. I'm quite used to the typical, "how do I know if he/she likes me" kind of advice, but lately, people have been asking things that go beyond my circle of knowledge and experience. That said, I think I've dealt with these queries as unbiased and politely as I possibly can.

Without naming names and going into too many details, I've been asked by several people, for advice on their sex lives... something which I would never proclaim to be an expert on, unlike Sue the sex lady, or Dr. Ruth, for example. I think it's hard to be an expert on a subject when you've just barely scratched the surface, based on your own personal experience. I realise I'm approachable, definitely a forward-thinking feminist, and that I'm a good source of advice (usually) - so I'm wondering, does this make up for my own so-called lack of experience? There's definately some situations that have been brought to my attention, that I know I wouldn't like to be in myself, but is that really enough for me to go on? On one hand, yes I do think that more "experience" (as I put it), would be nice to have, eventually, and would be beneficial when giving advice on said topic, but on the other hand, I'm quite comfortable with my experience status at this point in my life.

Cheating!!!

Low-down dirty cheaters... I say make 'em walk the plank! Yaaaaar, Matey!

So if you can't tell by the obvious title, I've had an encounter with a Cheating, Two-faced liar... albeit, not a guy, but a classmate. You'd think that in a post-graduate programme, that all the students would be honest, and would be more mature than grade school students, but nooooo, that assumption would be wrong. There's this one girl in my class who (on numerous occasions) has been caught cheating by another classmate. We've brought it to our instructors' attention, but it seems as if nothing is going to be done about it. This makes me very angry because it makes my education that I'm getting (and paying for) seem worthless, since the cheating has gone un-punished. The worst part of the situation is that this girl just brags the entire time about getting super-high marks. Garrrrrrr! I just know that if I ever attempted cheating, I'd be kicked out of school so fast it'd make my head spin, and the imaginary parrot on my shoulder would no longer have a home...

Blarrrrrgh! just about sums it up.

Blarrrrrgh!

I'm beyond tired today - haven't been sleeping right, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps stress is playing a large part in it. I'm still worried about my finances... how I'm going to afford the next 2 months - school, busses, bills, other expenses, and ultimately getting a new job (or actually a co-op job).... Worrying sucks!

Rocks & Hard Places

Hello Rock, meet Hard Place... wait, we've all met before.

Frig… just like usual, I end up with no cell service because of the stupidity of my provider. Now, I’m out of touch with basically everyone, until my provider pulls their heads from their butt and fixes this issue. I called during a break between classes today, got nowhere with a representative, and got talked down to like I was a 2 year old. I explained my circumstances, that I didn’t have a full time position right now, but that I was making an honest effort to have bi-weekly payments (albeit not the full amount, but at least it’s something… or so I thought). At least I’m not avoiding the bills… I’m just financially strapped at this point, and so I’m just trying to make it… barely.

Apparently, the last email communication went un-noted, as I explained that calling me on my cell during the day is not convenient, that they will only get my voicemail because I can’t answer the phone during class or work. Yet again, I get calls from their automated dialler, at all points in the day when I can’t physically answer the phone. How stupid are they?!?!?!?!?

This (for lack of a better word), asshat who I talked to today even went so far as to threaten to cancel my service… hrm… that would be a better alternative to the lack of service I currently receive, so be my friggin guest. They want to cancel it, fine, but I’m not paying anything extra. They’ll get what I owe them and nothing more. Seems to me like I’ve had this argument with them before. Garrrrrr.

On another note, ever work in a group to find you’re the only one (or two) that actually work?

For most of my classes, I’ve got group work, which until this term, I’ve been able to find like-minded people who put in the effort and actually do work. This term, I ended up in one group where 4 out of the 6 of us hauled ass in order to get the job done. We of course, got perfect on the assignment, but so did the other 2 people who didn’t contribute. Now, I’m in another group (5 people this time), and only 2 of us are actually doing any work whatsoever. The other 3 just expect to tag along for the ride. Today, they all offered to do something finally, but the help was too little, too late. The written part of the assignment’s due this Thursday, and we’re also presenting this Thursday. At this point, we should be (and are) finished… no thanks to the 3 of them. On one hand, I feel as though I’ve been too harsh on them, but if I can work, go to school, complete assignments, and make it to group meetings (commuting by bus & train), then the 3 of them should be able to at least go to school, complete assignments, and make it to group meetings. They also commute, but it’s one friggin bus… not 1 bus, 1 train, and another bus to finish off the trip… not to mention 1.5 hours each way.

I’m in the middle of another job search – hoping for a good co-op placement, which results in a full time job, or a great full time job that I can use as my co-op placement. Right now though, it seems as though there’s no jobs available, either on the campus co-op site, or on the regular job sites…. $6300 plus all my other expenses doesn’t seem quite worth it at this point.

Yet again, where is the rock I’d like to just crawl under for all eternity… or at least for a little while?

It's Quitting Time?

To quit or not to quit... that is the question weighing heavily on my mind. I had hoped to quit today, and even had my resignation letter completely typed, signed, and sealed, but alas, I have not quit - I wasn't able to find another job. This pisses the hell out of me that I've sent out so many resumes, but no one wants to give me a chance. I've got soooo much experience, but I guess that doesn't count, and is overshadowed by my so-called insane amount of education. Part-time jobs, right now are few and far between, and what makes it worse is that there are so many full time postings I could apply for if I'd done this HR thing back in September! Frig...

You Smell Good??? WTF?

What do you say when someone says, "You Smell Good"?

Alrighty, I've seen my share of weirdos, and dealt with my share of them not only while on the bus, but while dealing with the public at work. So Sunday, I'm busting my tail at the Depot, like usual, and get asked to help a guy find a paper shredder... Alrighty, not a problem, I've bullshitted my way through university, a stupid paper shredder sale is no problem whatsoever! The guy was totally unimpresed that a "Dumb Girl" was helping him, rather than one of the so-called "Techno-geeks". Needless to say, I sold him a shredder, and an extended warranty, by talking out of my butt... I really don't know every thing there is to know about shredders, but come on, how hard is it? - you stick your paper in the slot, and ooooh, it shreds your paper into tiny little pieces. The hardest part is figuring out how to turn it on, and clear a jam, should it happen. As I'm bringing the product to the cash register, the customer says to me, "I just thought I'd let you know, I like your perfume, you smell good." I honestly didn't know how to respond, so I just said thanks, and tried to leave him with the cashier... which didn't work. I got stuck ringing in the sale, and as part of the warranty process, I had to ask for his phone number, to register the warranty. Of course, he's like "Now you know my name, and my phone number," and winks at me. Man, if he'd been in his 20s and actually not a skeezy older man, then I'd be pretty happy about the entire situation - however, in reality, 40s, balding, and just plain scary, really doesn't work well for me. ~shudders~ I need a new job!

All seems to be right with the world, again.

After all the issues I had yesterday, and with how today went, this weekend has been one huge emotional roller coaster ride. Saturday was a huge low point for me, and all joking aside, I really do think I was out of my mind yesterday. I'm quite certain that my outburst yesterday was an explosion of emotion, brought about by several things not going quite the way I had envisioned... that and the fact that working at the depot makes me utterly crazy.

Happy 25th... er, then again, maybe not. This entire blog might sound selfish, but I'm using the excuse, "it's my party, and I'll cry if I want to..." Just a reminder, this entry's really not aimed at anyone in particular. I'm just writing exactly how I feel.

I've got less than three hours left before I turn 25, and I should be out having the time of my life, but instead, it's just before 10 pm and I'm at home in my pyjamas. No, I'm not sick, it seems as though everyone forgot about me. I'm so angry and sad at the same time, I'm not sure if I should be crying, or if I should be punching holes in inatimate objects. I know it's Easter weekend, but it would have been great if at least one person said that they'd like to do something either this weekend, or that they'd like to postpone any B-day festivities to a later date... at least then I wouldn't have been left hanging. Right now, I feel like I'm the biggest loser in the entire world. I thought that maybe, just one year, I'd have a great birthday -- one that I'd always look back on fondly. I have yet to have one of those birthdays. Instead, I'll always remember my 25th as the year I realized exactly how alone I really am. As I'm writing this, I'm looking around my room and also realizing that part of my problem is my inner geekiness.... maybe it's poking its head out and taking over my "outer" self now. No one wants to be friends with the geek, it's just not cool. Wow, I thought I'd never experience a "life-crisis" of any kind -- turns out my quarter life crisis/lifelesson is the discovery that I really don't know what exactly true friendship and belonging really is. This is making me question the friendships I've had for years, and the new ones I think I've made... perhaps being an outsider is easier than all this crap I'm feeling.

STRIKE!!! = BLESSING IN DISGUISE?!?!?

Alright, while most other college students I know are freaking out about the strike, I'm taking it as being a total blessing in disguise. My programme has me commuting 4 hours daily between Hamilton & Oakville, using 3 separate transit systems, 5 days a week. Then on weekends, in order to pay for college, I'm commuting another 4 hours daily between Hamilton & Burlington, just to work at my crappy, underpaid part time job at the depot. Needless to say, all this travelling, school, homework, and work has made me very tired, and extremely sick. Instead of revelling in the glory of an "extended reading week", I will be attempting to battle the last of my flu. I haven't seen outside since the 5th, and I've been in pyjamas since I got home from work that same day (excluding showers... they have to come off sometime). Today alone, I've made and consumed two rather large pots of tea, and I'll be working on the third, by the time 8pm rolls around. Solid food at this time eludes me completely, and I would probably die for something as simple as a piece of dry toast right now. I'm promising myself that I will be 110% better by the time Friday comes around, seeing as I really don't want to be sick at work again. Being sick at home is much easier than being sick someplace where you can't get comfortable, and have to pretend that everything is perfect.

Oh, and one more thing, I'd like to thank whatever holy entity wants to take credit for the invention known as neo citran... I'd probably be feeling far worse now if I wasn't taking it.

I'm so ready to just curl up and sleep for an eternity! This week off school has not been a vacation at all. Earlier this week I was concentrating on my job search, and working on my one project due in the middle of my reading week. Thursday, I had to travel to school, hand in the project, and meet with my group for another class. Then today (Friday) I picked up an extra shift at work. Usually for my past reading weeks I've gone away for at least a weekend, just to get away from it all and regroup.

I feel frazzled, stressed, and sooooo incredibly tired. As soon as I'm done school & the co-op, I think I'm going on vacation... somewhere warm, with many pools, and free drinks with umbrellas in them.