What to be When You Grow Up?

A re-post from my Facebook notes, but I felt it was worthwhile to post here too.


Everything has a beginning and an end, and that old cliche about endings being new beginnings is actually a good cliche for a reason - because it's true. I'm also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that there's some kind of blueprint out there for everyone's life, but also that you have to make things happen, rather than wait for them. So far, the past year of my life has been filled with even more growing up, learning and self-discovery. 

I've learned that the answers to what you need are really provided, so long as you listen and act accordingly. My burning question has always been "What do I want to be when I grow up?" 

I've always had issues answering that question, but the one thing that always remained constant was my love of all things music. Just ask my sister about the mix tape she found that included me singing "Under The Sea" at the top of my lungs when I was in grade school...

That said, I was reluctant to pursue that path because for the majority of people, careers in music don't really pay the bills. Okay, so apparently my answer "Musician" has been staring me in the face since I was a little kid, but I was ignoring it because I'd been groomed to believe that it was too difficult to be a successful musician and live a comfortable life.

Once embracing the musician idea, I realized that my life has been stuck in a rut of working just to live, rather than living for my work and that no amount of money would make me happy if I wasn't doing what I really loved. So, this September, off I head to college, *again*, but this time to study music. I'll be playing flute and piano until my fingers can't possibly move any faster, and might fall off; yet I know I'll be the happiest I've ever been. 

I probably should've gone this route 10 years ago when I was first applying to colleges and universities, but that's all in the past now... and what's most important is that I'm finally pursuing the answer that's been there all along. 

This next year might be a struggle at times, but so I've learned, nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

The End is Near

This week, I'm finding myself increasingly frustrated with everything that's been happening. My one boss is an idiot and sends me numerous emails and leaves voicemails for me when I'm not on the clock, and expects the entire universe to revolve around him... at all times. I had a medical appointment on Monday and when I got back to the office, I could just tell that he was annoyed that my health was more important to me than his request for reports.

He treats me like his personal assistant, even though that's not my job title. I have to call places to book and cancel his appointments, and to deal with anything else he can't be bothered to do. Whenever he has me call a place for him and the person on the other end gives me a bit of a hard time, I pull this little trick out of my hat: "I understand I'm not listed on the account, but you know The Devil Wears Prada? My boss is worse than that, so please can you help me with this request??" Nine out of ten times, this little nugget of a line works wonders, especially if I'm speaking with someone who's read the book or seen the movie.

I also forgot to mention earlier that I also get told to go outside and pick up trash and cigarette butts and make the outside of the building look nice.

I'm completely exhausted because he expects me to do all this stuff for him on top of my own duties running the accounting department of one, tracking payroll, and the admin assistant and distribution duties that got funneled my way when the Distribution Manager/Admin. Assistant left over two years ago. Recycling in the office is the bane of my existence. No one knows how to sort paper and containers - I get coffee cups, plastic cutlery, takeout packages and everything else thrown in one blue bin and then I get to sort it every week. I've got a bunch of letters after my name, plus all this work experience and I just can't believe that this is what all my education and hard work got me.

I keep telling myself, you've only got a few weeks left, but it's not helping anymore. I still have to sit down with my direct boss and tell him that I'm leaving to pursue other interests. The end of July is it. It's the end of all these things that are angering me so much.

Work vs. Personal Beliefs

This past weekend, I watched "Human Trafficking" with Donald Sutherland, Mira Sorvino and Robert Carlyle. Being that the film was called "Human Trafficking", I wasn't expecting a candy-coated Hollywood ending feel good movie. What I also didn't expect is that it would make me think long and hard about my current job and how I could be proliferating the human trafficking and prostitution issues in my own city with my involvement with our Weekly Alt. paper.

On one hand, as a feminist, I believe that women and men have the power to govern over themselves as they see fit, which includes the selling of one's own body. If a person decides that prostitution is their chosen profession, then that's their own prerogative.

Now the reason I'm feeling conflicted is that we really don't know if all of the ladies and gents who advertise their services in the paper are sex trade workers by choice or because they're forced to do so. We also open another can of worms with the agencies who advertise escort and adult massage services. Any of these places could be part of a human trafficking ring, and we'd just never know, but would continue to place their ads and take payment. The worst part of this for me is that I'm pretty sure the executives don't care about the potential for the paper to be a vehicle for this problem - instead, it's all about the bottom line.

Changes

It's been some time since my last post, mainly because things have been pretty much un-changed for the past few months. Same old story - work, sleep, work...etc gets boring to write about after a while. As of yesterday, the wheels of change have finally started to move again! But first, the back-story:

I had applied for school back in February and had several months to really buckle down and practice my audition pieces. During that time, I also realized that the no-name flute I owned was really horrible when even after some basic maintenance and screw tightening/loosening, I was squeaking on the really high notes and couldn't play anything lower than G. Serves me right for buying a cheap instrument off eBay... Luckily, my problem was solved when I scored an awesome deal for a practically new student model Armstrong flute at a second hand store. Now I could finally play all the notes I needed to play and since there was no squeaking, I no longer sounded like I was killing a cat in my apartment.

Yesterday was my audition. I was a bit shocked that I wasn't really nervous until I got on the bus, but I calmed my nerves with a little bit of classical music to drown out the "interesting" passengers around me. I don't know what it is, but Bach's Air on the G String always calms me down and makes everything seem peaceful around me. Interestingly enough, both my audition pieces were Bach as well. My audition was scheduled for 9:30am, but no one showed up until 9:15. By the time I was let in to a room to warm up, it was already after 9:30.

I ended up auditioning in front of the programme co-ordinator, who decided to stop me part way through Sleepers Awake and give me a mini lesson. I was asked to re-start the piece so we could hear the difference in playing. I didn't feel that my second piece was very strong... my nerves started to get the better of me at that point, but I made it all the way through it anyways. Before the interview started, I was also asked to sing the notes that were played on the piano and whether a chord was major or minor. According to my interviewer, I've got a good ear. (Take that Wes, I'm officially not tone deaf!!!)

The interview went well. I was told that I'm talented, but that my playing ability is a year behind people who would be entering the regular applied music programme. That said, I was applying for the prepatory course because I didn't feel I was at the right level, prior to the audition. After discussing what my goals were, and why I auditioned, he told me that I'm accepted to the programme and that he was going to process my offer of admission that afternoon.

Now the difficult part is figuring out when to tell my bosses that I'm leaving. I definitely want to wait until it's all official and I've secured funding for the school year. Some people are saying just give 2 weeks, but I've been there a while and would still like to leave on a good note. I'm thinking that I'll give notice at the beginning of August and that I'll be finished at the end of the month. I'm a bit scared about the living on my own and going back to school full time bit, but I have to do this. If I don't, I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Anxious for a Reason?

I'm dealing with the return of a very familiar and unwanted feeling: Anxiety. Almost three years ago, I thought I'd dealt with my issues, which at the time were about commuting to Toronto and working under a verbally extended contract, with a promise of a permanent job dangling like a carrot in front of my nose. I opted to look for a new job, as it was evident that I couldn't remain in that state of anxiousness forever. My (now current) job felt like a blessing - a bright spot in all the darkness I was feeling at the time.

Now, three years later, the same kind of anxiety is creeping up on me again. This time, it's not knowing how secure my job is, feeling overwhelmed by the sheer volume of work I deal with, and also knowing that I'm severely underpaid for the skills and knowledge I have. I also know that I'm not happy because I'm still having to live like a broke student, even though I graduated university 5 years ago this spring. I took a pay cut to work at my current job, and I haven't seen a raise in the years since I started. I've been looking for inspiring positions, but nothing strikes my fancy. I almost feel apathetic about the search for a new job, because I figure what's the point?

On top of all this, the economy has been very unkind to my current employer, and we're still feeling the affects of the cash crunch. This makes me uneasy because I now have additional responsibilities like rent, utilities, bills, budgeting in care for myself and my pets. If I lose my job, I have no savings to fall back on, and I will most likely lose my apartment as well, leaving me with loads of personal belongings, and the three animals to live on the street... I can't expect my parents to have me move in with them, as they've finally got their own lives sorted in their perfect one bedroom apartment, plus it'd be like running back to them, admitting defeat as a grown up.

Instead, I chose to apply to a music programme, which I don't even know if I can afford to go to school for if I lose my full time job.

This is all coming to a head today because there's a staff meeting being called for tomorrow, and I just have a feeling of dread about it. There's never been a staff meeting here before, so of course my brain automatically thinks that the worst is about to happen.

One Ginormous Leap!

For some time now, I've had difficulty watching and listening to orchestras, concert bands and individual performers. I think this was in part because I felt like a little piece of me would die inside with the realization that I wasn't persistent enough in following my dream. I remember going to see the Phantom when it returned to Toronto, and I sat there and cried; not because of the story, but instead because I was upset that I wasn't performing and doing what I love best.

My friends and family know that I'm not happy in my current job. It's boring and repetitive, and just plain not challenging. I like my co-workers, but I NEED to be creative. Working with numbers every day is just not providing me with that. I'm cranky, stressed and quite frankly, my job is making me sick.

I decided a few weeks ago that perhaps I should swallow my pride and apply for the music prep. course at Mohawk. My audition at McMaster 10 years ago didn't go well at all, and I was too proud and sure of my abilities to take beginners music. Now, I've come to realize that if I don't follow through with my talents, I'll never be truly happy.

I've got the audition pieces picked and just finished the OCAS application for the prep. course, which is only 8 months. My goal at the end of this is to be a professional musician in an orchestral setting, preferably for a company like Mirvish productions, which produces the majority of the musicals in Toronto.

I would say I'm crossing my fingers in the hope that this will be a success, but instead, I'm taking a ginormous leap towards the career I've always known I should have, and am telling myself that it's all going to work out.