PCOS, Normalcy and Hope

The last post was a while ago and I was clearly run down both emotionally and physically. Now, over a year since having daily menstrual bleeding, thanks to my wonderful gynaecologist, I'm feeling much better and things are normal. 

The first pill she prescribed was Diane 35, for six months, and at the end of that timeframe, we decided together that although my physical symptoms were gone, my emotional state was not right while taking this pill. She immediately switched me to Marvelon, and the difference was like night and day. 

I've been taking Marvelon since November last year, and the results are nothing but positive. My excess body hair has thinned and become finer, my hair on my head is growing back and no longer falls out in clumps when I shower. Best of all, I feel great and my cycles are now predictable and like clockwork again. Another upside to this regulation of my wacky hormone levels is that I've dropped about 20 pounds without changing my diet or the amount of exercise I already get through walking, biking and the physical nature of my current job. 

So now that my PCOS is better controlled, and I've just graduated from college, I can focus on getting the job, and the life I deserve, without feeling like there's no hope. I know I'll never be cured of my illness, but at least I know I can be hopeful that it can be successfully managed. 

PCOS, the Hidden Illness

This post goes into potentially TMI territory, but I really feel that there are so many women out there suffering with the same issues, and I can’t stay silent anymore.

For the past few years, I’ve lived a relatively normal life, save for the illness I was diagnosed with about 6 years ago.  Because my illness is relatively well-hidden, most people would never know anything was wrong. 

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  Some people close to me know the extent of how this illness has affected me, with physically visible issues such as male body hair growth, hair loss, and difficulty with my weight.  The non-visible issues I’m affected by include cysts on my ovaries, irregular/prolonged menstruation, cramping so severe that pain medication barely makes any difference, anxiety and depression. 

My daily grooming routine involves a lot of time spent removing excess hair from the visible parts of my body, like my face, legs and hands.  I no longer worry about the excess arm hair, as if I shaved that as well, I’d be shaving close to 95% of my body on a regular basis. I need some time to have a life, and not spend it all in my bathroom. I also spend a lot of time trying new volumizing shampoos, conditioners, styling products and tools, all in an attempt to make my thinning hair look healthier and thicker, or even grow back.  I even tried using clip in extensions a couple of years ago.  So far, nothing’s really worked for this issue. 

When I was first diagnosed with PCOS, I was going for 6 or more months at a time without a menstrual cycle.   I also weighed close to 250 pounds, which was quite heavy for my little 5’2” self.  After my diagnosis, I ended up moving into my first apartment, and with a strict diet and exercise, went down to 220 pounds.  This helped my cycles return, and for the past 5 or so years, I’ve maintained regular menstrual cycles every 22 days, with an average of 3 days of menstrual bleeding.  My weight has remained stuck at 220; regardless of the hikes, jogging, biking and walking I do. 

Fast forward to March of 2013 and I start my cycle, right on time, just as it’s been for the longest time.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until day 4, when I was still hemorrhaging and having to change my tampon every hour due to severe leakage and clots.  I called my doctor and was seen that day, given a relatively expensive prescription for tranexemic acid tablets, and orders for blood tests and an ultrasound.   Nothing seemed to stop the extremely heavy bleeding I was experiencing; until I finished the five day prescription.  Then, voila, it magically stopped... but only for 4 days.  I was given a second prescription for the same tablets, and was also given a follow-up appointment for 2 weeks later. This time, the tablets didn’t work.  By the time I had my follow-up appointment, I was on my period for almost an entire month.  Throughout all this, I missed many days of school and work due to extreme fatigue and the need to be near a bathroom at all times.

All my blood tests came back within normal ranges for my thyroid, and complete blood count.  My ultrasound showed I still had cysts on my ovaries, but nothing else was wrong.  The solution was to be a low-dose birth control pill, and I was advised it would take at least three months for everything to regulate to the 28 day cycle of the pill, but that it should help stop the bleeding.  I was sent for more blood tests to re-check my thyroid (TSH), ferritin and complete blood count since I’ve been so fatigued and cold.  Big surprise, everything came back normal again.

So far, during April, which was my first month on the active pills, I experienced nausea, cramps and extreme breast tenderness and experienced menstrual bleeding every day.  On the placebo week when I was supposed to have my period, I started to hemmorrage again, with very large clots.  It was bad enough for me to call Telehealth to speak with a nurse, who advised me to go to ER or an Urgent Care Centre for treatment.  I spent 4.5 hours in ER, had blood tests done (all normal ranges again), and was sent home with yet another prescription for the tranexemic acid tablets and a referral for a gynaecologist.   The tablets didn’t work, save for slowing down the hemorrhaging, and a one day reprieve from my bleeding.  I’m still waiting for the gynaecologist’s office to confirm my appointment... and I called a few days after my ER visit, as instructed if I hadn’t heard from them in 2 business days.  It’s now coming up to 2 weeks since I called the office and was told they were trying to figure out where to schedule me in with the doctor.  I’m not holding my breath for this to happen any time soon. 

During the second month of taking the birth control pills, I’ve continued to experience menstrual bleeding every day, severe cramps, nausea, and more breast tenderness.  Also, I no longer fit into my bras... 32 years old and my chest has grown again.  As I near the last of my active pills for this package, I’m very concerned that the extreme hemorrhaging and clots will start again when I start the placebos. 

I’m very discouraged by all this, and am angry that I’m being left to bleed for three, soon to be four months straight.  Throughout this entire ordeal, I’ve lost count of how much money I’ve had to spend on feminine hygiene products, pain killers and prescriptions.  Every tranexemic acid prescription was over $50 for just 30 tablets... not really affordable being a student and only working part time.  I’m also pretty depressed that I’m doing everything that’s been asked of me by my family doctor and by the ER doctor; yet nothing is working. 

I want my normal life back, where I feel vibrant and have energy to go out on 10K+ hikes with my dog, 20K+ bike rides and all the other fun things I used to do before getting ill in March.  Even playing my flute or other instruments tires me out very quickly, and it’s just so incredibly frustrating for me to not feel normal.   

Most days, I cry in the shower, and also before bed, feeling extremely sad and upset about my situation and how nothing is working to make me better.  Right now, I truly feel like I want my doctor to schedule a hysterectomy so I can return to my normal activities and not have to deal with this excessive bleeding issue anymore. Either that, or someone needs to kill me now, because I'm at my wit's end dealing with this insanity.

Fat Girl Jogging

Okay, so it might sound horrible to those of you who don't know me in real life, but I'm brutally honest. I am a fat girl who's just started jogging.  I was really unsure of how to start this new challenge, if only because I was convinced that people would point, stare and laugh at me while I attempted to run around the local outdoor track.

Two days ago, I set out on my first couch to 5k session, which is supposed to be 30 mins total, with intervals of 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking. The first intervals were easy, then I got to 14 mins and hit a brick wall with a bad stitch in my side. Instead of being upset with myself for not doing the full time, I have to be proud of myself for getting almost halfway through the first day of the programme, since I've maintained a strict "no run" policy for years. Tonight, my total time for this second run was 23 mins, and I travelled 2kms around the track.

You know what? No one said a thing to me at the track. Not two nights ago, and not tonight. It's amazing how we can talk ourselves out of trying new things because we're afraid of what strangers might think.

Out of Mind, Out of Sight

Lately it seems like I'm invisible to people. I'm feeling very much like a character from the first season of Buffy - Marci, a flute player is pretty much invisible to everyone and she eventually does become invisible.

Things aren't always peachy with everyone, and although there's been a bit of a talk about stuff, I'm still getting the silent treatment. It's a strained relationship right now, and I've been made to feel like its all my fault. I know it's a matter of people not being grown up enough to realize what's actually been said, instead it's get mad and don't speak at all time.

There's only 4 weeks left, and quite frankly, I can't wait, so I can move on past all this pettiness.

Concert Band

On the advice of my one college instructor, I started performing with the Hamilton Concert Band back in September '10.  It felt just like being back in concert band at my old high school, except there's no angsty teenagers. We played a concert back in April, celebrating the Royal Marriage, and also performed with the Saltfleet high school band at their spring concert.  As a result, I now am certain that music performance is what my main focus will be over the next few years at school.  

We had our final rehearsal before the summer break a couple of weeks ago, and then right after, the band held it's general meeting to discuss the upcoming 2011/2012 year, and also to elect members to the executive.  I stayed just to hear what was going on, and then ended up being elected to the executive committee for the upcoming season.  Starting in September, I'm the treasurer for the next 2 years, so it seems like my 3 years as an accountant are finally going to be put to use again.

The Great Apartment Search

I've been searching for a 2 bedroom apartment for myself and my friend for almost 3 months now, and I'm really beginning to get frustrated.  I've seen places that they'd have to pay me to live there because of repairs, or the neigbourhood, and I've also seen nice places that were just too small.

Today, I call a place that advertised 2 Bedrooms starting at $730, and was told there was one available for September, and it was $795.  First off, why do these places lowball the price and then give sticker shock to potential tenants when they call?  Secondly, THIS IS HAMILTON, PEOPLE! There's such a thing as being too expensive for the area the apartment's located in.  I refuse to pay +$800, plus utilities for a shitty place downtown, that I know I'm just going to have issues with.

Beauty and Beastly Body Image

During my shift this evening at work I had an interaction with a customer that made me quite upset, to the point where I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. This customer came right out and said (I'm quoting her exactly), "I don't want to be rude, but have you ever thought about laser hair removal? Your chin and mustache could really use it, and I've got a sale going on for four treatments. You're pretty, but the hair isn't." 

What the eff?!? Really?!?! Laser hair removal exists???  Also, I didn't notice that I have to shave my face every effing morning because of my illness (PCOS)... but thank you; REALLY, THANK YOU for pointing it out and making me feel like shit, and then I still have to be polite and serve you.  Oh, and pigs will fly before I ever go to your spa for any kind of service.  Thankfully my uniform shirt is long sleeved, otherwise there might've been a "hairy man arm" incident v2.0  

For those who don't know what PCOS is, it stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and to explain it as simply as possible, it's an endocrine disorder that causes women to have problems related to their reproductive systems, and usually is accompanied by one or more of the following issues: insulin resistance, androgen imbalance, thyroid problems, weight problems, excess body hair, hair loss, acne, and skin discolouration.  There's no "real" cure for the disorder, and it's essentially mother nature's grab-bag of ugliness that gets thrown at about 10% of all women.  Lucky me, I'm one of the 10%. Now back to the story...

Of course, the more and more I tried to forget what she said, the more upset I got, and I ended up sitting at the back of the bus and sniffling, the entire way home from work.  I'm pretty sure no one sat beside me because no one wants to sit next to someone who's almost crying... it's just uncomfortable for everyone.  I'm quite mad at myself for not being able to brush this woman's statement aside.  

I don't get how people can be mean like this to anyone, especially since in my case, and in many other cases, the "unsightly" problem is because of an underlying medical issue. Wouldn't it just be better to not say anything, about physical differences, be nice and accept people for who they are? 

I'd like to say that I don't care what people think about how I look, and that my personality should shine through all the superficial ideals of beauty, but let's be honest here, I'd be lying if I said I didn't care.  

Ear Piercings & current BME "Projects"

As some of my friends already know, I do love my ear piercings.  In fact, I love them so much that I've got 3 piercings in each lobe, and 2 cartilage piercings on my right upper ear.

My first set of earring holes were done when I was in grade 2, and I had so many problems with infections until my parents bought me a tiny pair of gold hoop keepers.  Keep in mind, it was the mid/late 80s, so when my ears finally healed, I wanted to wear the HUGE gold hoops that all the cool older girls were wearing. When I got a pair for Christmas, I think I wore them every day, not realizing that the weight of the earrings were damaging (stretching) my earring holes.

Now, over 20 years later and several pairs of heavy, dangly earrings later, I had earring holes that were too big to wear standard earrings, so on most days, I'd end up only wearing my CBEs in the 2nd & 3rd holes on my lobes, leaving no earrings in my first set of holes. For the past few years, I've purchased fake plugs, which hid the damage quite well; however, these plugs would inevitably break or worse, I'd loose a front or back of the earring, and have to constantly shell out more money to replace these quite expensive earrings.  At a minimum of $5.99 per earring; and having purchased at least 3 pairs in the past 6 months alone, I was starting to get very frustrated.

I did a bunch of research and decided my only plan of action was to buy a pair of larger gauge pinchers and "stretch" my first set of holes.  This is an idea I toyed with as a teenager and also while I was in university, but never tried, since I lived at home back then and my parents would've freaked out.  I estimated that I was currently somewhere between an 18g and 16g, so I opted to buy a pair of 14g pinchers that came with plugs. Yes, I'm using acrylic jewelery; however, I'm an adult, and am well aware of the potential risks of using acrylic pinchers and tapers.

So, after reading several "stretching methods", I opted to stretch my holes with the aid of antibacterial soap and a really warm compress. Here's my process, which took about 30 minutes in total for each ear.  Slow and steady is definitely the way to go when stretching your lobes, since you can cause tears and blowouts if you're too forceful or you try to stretch to a larger gauge too quickly.

First, I cleaned my new acrylic pinchers using warm water and liquid antibacterial soap. (Side note, I can't use too many things other than this unscented soap, since I tend to have allergic reactions to beauty/health products) I don't care that the earrings were fresh from a package... you don't know who touched them or where they were before they were put in the package.  I also know that you shouldn't boil acrylic jewelery or use corrosive disinfectants such as rubbing alcohol or peroxide, since this can deteriorate the jewelery and cause adverse chemical reactions, which I know I definitely wouldn't want happening in a freshly stretched ear lobe.  I also cleaned my ear lobes with the same soap and water.

Using the soap, I "lubed" up one end of the pincher and inserted into my earring hole until I felt a little bit of resistance, and then I left that ear alone until I got to the same point with the other ear.  I then sat with a warm compress on each of my ear lobes to ease the slight burning sensation and to wash away the excess soap.  I then just used warm water from the compress to act as the lubricant once I was ready to continue the stretching process.

Once the pinchers were fully in, with the widest point centred in my ear, I put on the o rings, and left the pinchers in for 2 days.  I then took out each pincher (tonight) and inserted the plugs into my newly stretched earring holes.  Caring for this BME is pretty easy, since I clean them in the shower every morning and then at night, just with a bit of the liquid soap and water.

Here's what my right ear looks like as of tonight.  The plugs were extremely easy to insert into my holes, and I had absolutely no pain or irritation with this process, save for the extremely minor pain I felt when I was pushing the pinchers through my ears during the stretching process.  I'm very happy with how it looks, especially now that the slight damage I'd originally had to my earring holes is no longer visible.

My next stretch will be to a 12g, which I plan on doing some time in February, which will then put the time at being 3 weeks between the stretches.  I'm in no rush, since I want to make sure my ears stay healthy and that I'm completely comfortable with the eventual gauge of earring I decide to stretch to. I'm only looking to stretch to either an 8g or 6g, so they're not overly noticeable, and I can have various options for jewelery - namely some pretty glass plugs I saw when I was shopping recently.

What to be When You Grow Up?

A re-post from my Facebook notes, but I felt it was worthwhile to post here too.


Everything has a beginning and an end, and that old cliche about endings being new beginnings is actually a good cliche for a reason - because it's true. I'm also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that there's some kind of blueprint out there for everyone's life, but also that you have to make things happen, rather than wait for them. So far, the past year of my life has been filled with even more growing up, learning and self-discovery. 

I've learned that the answers to what you need are really provided, so long as you listen and act accordingly. My burning question has always been "What do I want to be when I grow up?" 

I've always had issues answering that question, but the one thing that always remained constant was my love of all things music. Just ask my sister about the mix tape she found that included me singing "Under The Sea" at the top of my lungs when I was in grade school...

That said, I was reluctant to pursue that path because for the majority of people, careers in music don't really pay the bills. Okay, so apparently my answer "Musician" has been staring me in the face since I was a little kid, but I was ignoring it because I'd been groomed to believe that it was too difficult to be a successful musician and live a comfortable life.

Once embracing the musician idea, I realized that my life has been stuck in a rut of working just to live, rather than living for my work and that no amount of money would make me happy if I wasn't doing what I really loved. So, this September, off I head to college, *again*, but this time to study music. I'll be playing flute and piano until my fingers can't possibly move any faster, and might fall off; yet I know I'll be the happiest I've ever been. 

I probably should've gone this route 10 years ago when I was first applying to colleges and universities, but that's all in the past now... and what's most important is that I'm finally pursuing the answer that's been there all along. 

This next year might be a struggle at times, but so I've learned, nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

The End is Near

This week, I'm finding myself increasingly frustrated with everything that's been happening. My one boss is an idiot and sends me numerous emails and leaves voicemails for me when I'm not on the clock, and expects the entire universe to revolve around him... at all times. I had a medical appointment on Monday and when I got back to the office, I could just tell that he was annoyed that my health was more important to me than his request for reports.

He treats me like his personal assistant, even though that's not my job title. I have to call places to book and cancel his appointments, and to deal with anything else he can't be bothered to do. Whenever he has me call a place for him and the person on the other end gives me a bit of a hard time, I pull this little trick out of my hat: "I understand I'm not listed on the account, but you know The Devil Wears Prada? My boss is worse than that, so please can you help me with this request??" Nine out of ten times, this little nugget of a line works wonders, especially if I'm speaking with someone who's read the book or seen the movie.

I also forgot to mention earlier that I also get told to go outside and pick up trash and cigarette butts and make the outside of the building look nice.

I'm completely exhausted because he expects me to do all this stuff for him on top of my own duties running the accounting department of one, tracking payroll, and the admin assistant and distribution duties that got funneled my way when the Distribution Manager/Admin. Assistant left over two years ago. Recycling in the office is the bane of my existence. No one knows how to sort paper and containers - I get coffee cups, plastic cutlery, takeout packages and everything else thrown in one blue bin and then I get to sort it every week. I've got a bunch of letters after my name, plus all this work experience and I just can't believe that this is what all my education and hard work got me.

I keep telling myself, you've only got a few weeks left, but it's not helping anymore. I still have to sit down with my direct boss and tell him that I'm leaving to pursue other interests. The end of July is it. It's the end of all these things that are angering me so much.

Work vs. Personal Beliefs

This past weekend, I watched "Human Trafficking" with Donald Sutherland, Mira Sorvino and Robert Carlyle. Being that the film was called "Human Trafficking", I wasn't expecting a candy-coated Hollywood ending feel good movie. What I also didn't expect is that it would make me think long and hard about my current job and how I could be proliferating the human trafficking and prostitution issues in my own city with my involvement with our Weekly Alt. paper.

On one hand, as a feminist, I believe that women and men have the power to govern over themselves as they see fit, which includes the selling of one's own body. If a person decides that prostitution is their chosen profession, then that's their own prerogative.

Now the reason I'm feeling conflicted is that we really don't know if all of the ladies and gents who advertise their services in the paper are sex trade workers by choice or because they're forced to do so. We also open another can of worms with the agencies who advertise escort and adult massage services. Any of these places could be part of a human trafficking ring, and we'd just never know, but would continue to place their ads and take payment. The worst part of this for me is that I'm pretty sure the executives don't care about the potential for the paper to be a vehicle for this problem - instead, it's all about the bottom line.

Changes

It's been some time since my last post, mainly because things have been pretty much un-changed for the past few months. Same old story - work, sleep, work...etc gets boring to write about after a while. As of yesterday, the wheels of change have finally started to move again! But first, the back-story:

I had applied for school back in February and had several months to really buckle down and practice my audition pieces. During that time, I also realized that the no-name flute I owned was really horrible when even after some basic maintenance and screw tightening/loosening, I was squeaking on the really high notes and couldn't play anything lower than G. Serves me right for buying a cheap instrument off eBay... Luckily, my problem was solved when I scored an awesome deal for a practically new student model Armstrong flute at a second hand store. Now I could finally play all the notes I needed to play and since there was no squeaking, I no longer sounded like I was killing a cat in my apartment.

Yesterday was my audition. I was a bit shocked that I wasn't really nervous until I got on the bus, but I calmed my nerves with a little bit of classical music to drown out the "interesting" passengers around me. I don't know what it is, but Bach's Air on the G String always calms me down and makes everything seem peaceful around me. Interestingly enough, both my audition pieces were Bach as well. My audition was scheduled for 9:30am, but no one showed up until 9:15. By the time I was let in to a room to warm up, it was already after 9:30.

I ended up auditioning in front of the programme co-ordinator, who decided to stop me part way through Sleepers Awake and give me a mini lesson. I was asked to re-start the piece so we could hear the difference in playing. I didn't feel that my second piece was very strong... my nerves started to get the better of me at that point, but I made it all the way through it anyways. Before the interview started, I was also asked to sing the notes that were played on the piano and whether a chord was major or minor. According to my interviewer, I've got a good ear. (Take that Wes, I'm officially not tone deaf!!!)

The interview went well. I was told that I'm talented, but that my playing ability is a year behind people who would be entering the regular applied music programme. That said, I was applying for the prepatory course because I didn't feel I was at the right level, prior to the audition. After discussing what my goals were, and why I auditioned, he told me that I'm accepted to the programme and that he was going to process my offer of admission that afternoon.

Now the difficult part is figuring out when to tell my bosses that I'm leaving. I definitely want to wait until it's all official and I've secured funding for the school year. Some people are saying just give 2 weeks, but I've been there a while and would still like to leave on a good note. I'm thinking that I'll give notice at the beginning of August and that I'll be finished at the end of the month. I'm a bit scared about the living on my own and going back to school full time bit, but I have to do this. If I don't, I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Anxious for a Reason?

I'm dealing with the return of a very familiar and unwanted feeling: Anxiety. Almost three years ago, I thought I'd dealt with my issues, which at the time were about commuting to Toronto and working under a verbally extended contract, with a promise of a permanent job dangling like a carrot in front of my nose. I opted to look for a new job, as it was evident that I couldn't remain in that state of anxiousness forever. My (now current) job felt like a blessing - a bright spot in all the darkness I was feeling at the time.

Now, three years later, the same kind of anxiety is creeping up on me again. This time, it's not knowing how secure my job is, feeling overwhelmed by the sheer volume of work I deal with, and also knowing that I'm severely underpaid for the skills and knowledge I have. I also know that I'm not happy because I'm still having to live like a broke student, even though I graduated university 5 years ago this spring. I took a pay cut to work at my current job, and I haven't seen a raise in the years since I started. I've been looking for inspiring positions, but nothing strikes my fancy. I almost feel apathetic about the search for a new job, because I figure what's the point?

On top of all this, the economy has been very unkind to my current employer, and we're still feeling the affects of the cash crunch. This makes me uneasy because I now have additional responsibilities like rent, utilities, bills, budgeting in care for myself and my pets. If I lose my job, I have no savings to fall back on, and I will most likely lose my apartment as well, leaving me with loads of personal belongings, and the three animals to live on the street... I can't expect my parents to have me move in with them, as they've finally got their own lives sorted in their perfect one bedroom apartment, plus it'd be like running back to them, admitting defeat as a grown up.

Instead, I chose to apply to a music programme, which I don't even know if I can afford to go to school for if I lose my full time job.

This is all coming to a head today because there's a staff meeting being called for tomorrow, and I just have a feeling of dread about it. There's never been a staff meeting here before, so of course my brain automatically thinks that the worst is about to happen.

One Ginormous Leap!

For some time now, I've had difficulty watching and listening to orchestras, concert bands and individual performers. I think this was in part because I felt like a little piece of me would die inside with the realization that I wasn't persistent enough in following my dream. I remember going to see the Phantom when it returned to Toronto, and I sat there and cried; not because of the story, but instead because I was upset that I wasn't performing and doing what I love best.

My friends and family know that I'm not happy in my current job. It's boring and repetitive, and just plain not challenging. I like my co-workers, but I NEED to be creative. Working with numbers every day is just not providing me with that. I'm cranky, stressed and quite frankly, my job is making me sick.

I decided a few weeks ago that perhaps I should swallow my pride and apply for the music prep. course at Mohawk. My audition at McMaster 10 years ago didn't go well at all, and I was too proud and sure of my abilities to take beginners music. Now, I've come to realize that if I don't follow through with my talents, I'll never be truly happy.

I've got the audition pieces picked and just finished the OCAS application for the prep. course, which is only 8 months. My goal at the end of this is to be a professional musician in an orchestral setting, preferably for a company like Mirvish productions, which produces the majority of the musicals in Toronto.

I would say I'm crossing my fingers in the hope that this will be a success, but instead, I'm taking a ginormous leap towards the career I've always known I should have, and am telling myself that it's all going to work out.